PUERTORICAN GAZPACHO https://www.delishdlites.com/ingredients/avocado-recipes/gazpacho-puerto-rican-salt-cod-salad/
the one that’s actually a salad
not soup
i said not soup
why you still thinking about soup
stop it
it’s a salad
with fish
salt cod
bacalao
the dried fish in the box that looks like it’s from the 80s
yeah that one
okay so
doñacarmen taught me
she had this little place in loíza
right by the beach
you could hear the waves from her kitchen
no menu
no prices
no nothing
you just showed up and she fed you
one day i’m sitting there
sweating my ass off because puertorico in july is basically hell with palm trees
and she puts this bowl in front of me
i’m like what’s this
she says try it
so i try it
and i swear to god
i almost cried
it was so good
like actually teared up
i asked her for the recipe
she laughed at me
smoke coming out of her nose
“ay benditomijo it’s just fish and vegetables stop overthinking”
so here i am
overthinking
writing it down
for you
you’re welcome
okay so the fish
bacalao
salted cod
packed in so much salt it could survive a nuclear war
you can’t eat it straight out the package
don’t even try
your tongue will shrivel up
so salty
like really really salty
you gotta soak it
not optional
can’t skip it
can’t rush it
i rushed it once
soaked it for an hour
thought it would be fine
it was not fine
the salad came out so salty i apologized to everyone
people were nice but i saw them wincing after every bite
so embarrassing
never again
here’s what i do
big bowl
cold water
fish in
fridge
go to bed
wake up
dump water
new water
go to work
come home
dump water
new water
dinner time
ready
three changes minimum
sometimes four
you know it’s ready when you taste it and it’s salty but not make-you-pucker salty
ocean salty
not salt mine salty
then you cook it
pot
fresh water
boil it
second it boils
kill the heat
drain it
cold water
done
don’t overboil
i did that once
phone call
ten minutes
fish turned to rubber
threw it away
wasted fifty bucks
don’t be me
okay now the other stuff
avocado
hardest part
not complicated
avocados are liars
every single one
look perfect outside
cut em open
hard as a rock
or brown and mushy
there’s like a fifteen minute window where they’re perfect
gotta catch it
press the top
gives a little but doesn’t collapse?
golden
hard?
leave it on the counter
mushy?
throw it away
don’t settle
white onion
only white
tried red once
big mistake
tasted like a taco
not in a good way
white onion has that crunch
that bite
red onion is too sweet
doesn’t work
tomatoes
roma
firm
if your finger goes through the skin put it back
we need structure
not making soup
already established this isn’t soup
olive oil
decent stuff
not the yellow cooking oil in the plastic jug
you know the one
lime juice
fresh
i’m begging you
fresh
squeeze it yourself
not that green bottle
tastes like chemicals
salt and pepper
go easy on the salt
fish is still salty
can always add more
okay now chop
onion first
small pieces
real small
crunch in every bite
don’t want someone crying at the table
tomatoes next
same size
seeds? leave em
avocado last
i’m serious
last
cut right before mixing
squeeze lime so it doesn’t turn brown
brown avocado is sad
okay now mixing
this matters
onions and tomatoes first
salt
pepper
mix em
let em sit a minute
tomatoes release juice
coats the onions
good things happening
then the fish
break it apart with your hands
feel for bones
even if it says deboned
trust no one
found bones before
like finding a needle in a haystack
but the needle is a tiny bone
and you’re feeding a hundred people
fold it in
gently
i said gently
don’t stir
don’t beat it
fold
big soft movements
keep fish chunks intact
want to bite into fish
not fish dust
then avocado
last thing
olive oil
lime juice
fold one more time
very carefully
don’t smash it
don’t make guacamole
now taste it
probably needs more lime
probably doesn’t need more salt
trust your mouth
okay so mistakes
the wedding disaster
120 guests
prepped night before
added avocado early
thought i was smart
woke up everything brown
horrible ugly brown
sent my assistant to the store at 6 am
thirty avocados
thirty
he was so mad
didn’t talk to me for two days
saved the wedding though
learned my lesson
the salty disaster
people coming in two hours
didn’t have time to soak overnight
soaked for an hour
salad so salty i apologized to everyone
people wincing after every bite
so embarrassing
the onion disaster
wife doesn’t like raw onion
left it out
thought i was being nice
she said “this is good but something’s missing”
she was right
flat
boring
onion is not optional
temperature
everything cold
i’m serious
cold
fridge cold
fish cold
veggies cold
bowl cold
i put my bowl in the freezer
my assistants think i’m crazy
i don’t care
warm stuff weeps
warm fish releases water
warm avocado gets mushy
warm tomatoes become a puddle
nobody wants a puddle
serving
family dinner?
big bowl
everyone digs in
tostones on the side
rice if you want
fancy party?
small mason jars
shot glasses
cilantro leaf on top
looks expensive
costs nothing
i charge four bucks
people buy em like crazy
best way?
bread
crusty roll
portuguese bread
hard outside
soft inside
slice it open
pile the salad inside
squish it
eat it over the sink
juice running down your arm
that’s how doñacarmen did it
that’s the right way
scaling
four people
one pound fish
one avocado
two tomatoes
half onion
twenty people
five pounds fish
six avocados
eight tomatoes
two big onions
don’t mix everything in one giant bowl
avocados on bottom get crushed
green paste
not good
mix fish and veggies in big batch
add avocado in smaller portions right before serving
tomatoes release water
they’re sneaky
chop everything separate
combine like an hour before people eat
how far ahead
fish three days
fridge
tightly wrapped
veggies night before
onions and tomatoes
keep separate
avocado don’t touch until serving
fully made?
eat within a day
after that avocado turns brown
onions get watery
not as good
look
i’ve been making this forever
hundreds of people
thousands probably
rich people
poor people
picky eaters
food snobs
everyone likes it
everyone
it’s not fancy
it’s not complicated
it’s just good
it’s fish and vegetables and oil and lime
but it’s also memory
it’s doñacarmen
it’s the beach
it’s puertorico in a bowl
so yeah
make it
eat it
enjoy it
buenprovecho mi gente
p.s. if someone says this isn’t real gazpacho
hand em a fork
say try it
they’ll shut up
works every time
i promise
